Category Archives: Work and Professional Life

Annexed: Mystery Science Theatre

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In this edition of Annexed: a mysterious caller, The real Strangler, a science experiment, scales, and good-byes.

Mystery # 1 – Alan:
On Monday, one of the teams (the one that The Strangler and Bob are on) had a conference call. Seems pretty typical in an office right? Well, what wasn’t typical was that some random guy named Alan called in. He announced himself and then came that awkward moment of, “Who is this guy? Is he invited? Should I know who this is?” and frantically searching your brain for the answers. There were none. No one knew who Alan was. So, the call proceeded. Afterwards, after everyone had hung up, the gang came running out and said “Who’s Alan?” Still no one knew. We determined that it was a Conference Call Crasher. You know, people who dial in to random conference calls just to mess with those on the line. What a fun idea! So we decided to try it. On our  next departmental meeting, Bob announced himself as Alan. It threw our manager off a bit but then he recognized the voice and said, “Bob, is that you?” We’re going to continue crashing conference calls and pretending we are supposed to be there.

  • “Hi this is Alan!”
  • “Alan?….um, this is the XYZ Project meeting. Are you on the right call?”
  • “Yep, Mike sent me.”
  • “Oh. Um, what department are you with?”
  • “[static]I’m with the [static] department”
  • “Oh, ok….”
  • The meeting proceeds…Alan interrupts the agenda, “Hey this is Alan. Are we going to talk about the baseline?”
  • “Well, no, that’s not on the agenda.”
  • “Well that’s why I dialed in. Here let me just tell you that we need to see some dates soon or we won’t support this project.”
  • “Oh well um, we’re not quite there yet Alan but I’ll see what I can do. What department are you with again?”
  • “[static] the [static] department”
  • “I’m sorry what?”
  • “Ok this is getting ridiculous. That’s it, I’m  hanging up and talking to Mike about this!” [click]

Mystery # 2 – The Strangler:
Ok so you all know that I call my British co-worker “The Strangler”. It started as a funny  joke because she can be a hard ass. Well, it’s not so funny anymore. Turns out The Mall has its own Strangler and this person is leaving us morbid notes at our desks!

This was the first item to show up:

In case you can’t tell, it’s a Christmas Card. It’s actually the card that the Brit left for Bob. But, when we came back from lunch one day, Bob returned to his desk to find it like this! How alarming! We all brushed it off as a joke, until this appeared on Bob’s desk the next day…

WTF!? This is no longer funny and we’re all a bit on edge. But, since both items were on Bob’s desk, we all felt solace in the fact that The Strangler (or T.S. ) seemed to have a thing for Bob. Hey, better him than me right? Or so I thought.

This was found on my monitor yesterday…

Are we seeing a pattern here people? Obviously T.S. has a calling card and he’s now aiming his antics at me!

So far nothing has happened today so maybe it was a lark. I’ll keep you posted…

Science #1 – The Experiment
Remember how I told you last Friday that I was going to conduct a very intricate experiment this week? Well here it is. Basically, I laid 3 random objects in various spots around The Mall. The goal was to see how long they would stay before being taken or moved.

Here are the items and their locations:

A quarter: I placed a quarter on the floor, next to one of the planters. It was visible but out-of-the-way enough that it wouldn’t be too obvious.

Post-it Note: I stuck a post-it to the wall next to the cafeteria. It was lower on the wall and somewhat inconspicuous. I wrote “You’ve been Annexed :)” on it.

Candy bar: the last item was a mini, somewhat stale, candy bar. I placed it on the back of a bench.

I laid the items out at about 2:40 p.m. on Monday. My plan was to check on them every day for progress. **NERD ALERT**NERD ALERT** I even made an Excel spreadsheet to track my data!  Late afternoon I was hungry for chocolate and almost went back out to snatch  my precious little morsal back, but I resisted. I didn’t want to taint the experiment! When I left that night around 5, I could see that the quarter was still there. I didn’t go check on the other items. Tuesday morning I came in and could see that the quarter was gone. Around 9:30 a.m. I went to check on the other items and they were gone too.

Conclusions: Either The Mall has a cleaning crew that removed all the items OR Scooter snagged ’em all up and stowed them away in his bathroom-stall-shrine to me. One of these days I’ll send Bob in to the bathroom to check the stall and verify that last point.

Science #2 – The Scales:
Remember how I told you all that The Mall has 2 scales in it? Well I figured it was high time to put them to the test so I  marched out and jumped right on. The first one I tried was the  one downstairs:

I had to search for the coin slot. What’s that? There are directions and arrows clearly marked on the sign, directing me to said slot? Whatever. If I had followed those directions I wouldn’t have found this:

click to view larger image

What a find! Apparently someone had weighed themselves just minutes before I arrived and forgot to take their printout with them! Suh-weet! Naturally I snagged it and here’s what I gleaned:

  1. The person was 232.6 lbs (or 105.5 kg) but should weigh 158.0 lbs or (71.7 kg). Conclusion – this person is overweight by about 75 pounds!
  2. To keep up that weight, this person needs to continue eating 3489 calories a day.  Conclusion – this person eats a lot.
  3. To lose weight, they should eat 2370 calories daily. Conclusion – even if trying to lose weight, this person would still eat a lot!

Now it was time for me to weigh myself. I put my quarter in and stepped on the scale. It greeted me and then asked a series of questions:

  1. Adult or child? (I answered adult. I know this is debatable sometimes with my mental state, but my body is adult sized)
  2. Male or female? (Female, like, duh)
  3. Small, medium or large build? (I went with medium)
  4. Height (5’7″ – I can hear my sister now shouting “no you’re  not – you’re 5’6”!! Hey, it’s my experiment so I’m including the extra inch dammit!)
  5. Social Security Number (###-##-1234)
  6. Username/Password to my bank account (Hahayouwish/notonyourlife)
  7. Did I want to also get my lucky lotto numbers? (I said no because it would have cost me another quarter and I only had 2 – one for this scale and one for the other one. This would be a good time to shout out to Bob for loaning me the quarters! Thanks dude!)

Then it did its little magic and spit out this:

click to view larger

 Here are my results:

  1. I weigh 140 lbs (63.5 kg) – it says to allow 5 – 10 lbs for clothing…I’m going to allow 10. What?
  2. My ideal weight is 148.0 lbs (67.1 kg). In case you didn’t bother with the math, that means this thing thinks I’m underweight! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Tell that to my muffin top!
  3. If I want to maintain this weight, I should eat 2100 calories daily. Finally I have permission to pig out!
  4. If I want to *gain* weight, I should eat 2220 calories daily. Not only permission, but encouragement! Thank you Mall Gods!

Then it told me to enjoy my day. Are you kidding? I get to eat 2200 calories! You bet I’m going to enjoy my day!

Next I went to the other scale:

I had saved this one for last because it was the cute one with Bugsy on it. No bonus printout on this one so I put my quarter in, and it promptly ate it and didn’t turn on. The damn thing doesn’t work! I could have used that quarter to get my lucky lotto  numbers!!! Stupid bug…

Theatre #1 – Good-byes

One of the Indians left this week. He was the leader of the pack and a royal pain in the butt on many occasions. But overall he was a nice guy and it was kind of sad to say good-bye. It was also the first indication that these projects will not last forever and while I will be happy to migrate back to the west office, a part of me will miss this place. Despite the unpleasantness of the surroundings, our little group has a lot of fun. Someone told me last night that they would love to work here because it looks like we have a blast all day. And we do. But it’s also a lot of hard work. We have to be silly and goofy to get through the other crap. Eases the stress.

Also said goodbye to The Brit today, but this is just temporary. She is heading back home to visit family and friends for the holidays. She’ll be gone for 2 weeks and we’ll miss her terribly. But this also means we can totally dog’s breakfast with her stuff whilst she’s away! [If she’s reading this she literally just had a heart attack because a) I used English slang and b) she’s picturing us touching her things].

Here she is at the airport – making sure she is fully prepared for a trip abroad. She has the basics covered – beer and medication  

Before the beer...

 

After the beer

Theatre #2 – Zombies

So, we often refer to The Mall as the Dawn of the Dead because it’s so. freakin’. empty. We joke about zombies being around. Some zombie skin even showed up on The Brit’s desk the other day (and it touched her spoon. When she discovered this her head exploded and then she got a new spoon). Well, funny thing – yesterday we were eating lunch at John’s and there was a big family at the table next to us (big as in there were a lot of them, not that they’re fat. Although, John’s food could contribute to that too…). One of the gals had 2 kids with her and when they were done eating she told them to go out in the mall and play, which pretty much meant run around screaming. At one point they came in to get a drink and I heard the boy say, “Next time, can I be the zombie?”  Beautiful.

Bonus items:

Before I wrap up, I have to mention 2 other things. First of all, the Greater Omaha Area Bowling Association put up some holiday decor. Hey, someone’s got to!

And finally, this is what I saw when I walked in to the bathroom after lunch:

Apparently someone didn’t have the $.25 needed and were badly in need of a diaper feminine pad so they broke in and took one. Maybe they should have looked around the mall first. You can sometimes find a quarter or candy bar lying about…

Until next week….you’ve been Annexed!!

Desk Job

Posted in Work and Professional Life by

Today I stopped by Panera on my way to work to grab a breakfast sandwich and some cookies for an afternoon meeting (tip: if you want people to participate, bring food. Works every time…). I found an awesome pull through spot and eagerly pulled in next to a shiny white Lexus. As I was getting out, I glanced in the window and, I kid you not, there were Kleenex EVERYWHERE! They were on the passenger seat, the floor of the passenger side, the console and the dashboard. There were probably more on the driver’s side and in the back but I didn’t look that close. Was afraid the cesspool of germs that are no doubt thriving in that car would seep out and leach on to me if I stood there any longer.

So it got me to thinking how so many of us present all nice and neat on the outside but on the inside are probably hot messes. Or perhaps the other way around – someone could look all discombobulated on the outside but have it all pulled together on the inside.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they keep their desk at work. Our offices/cubes are like second homes and most of the time they end up looking about the same way our houses do, which is often a reflection of us as people.

Let’s analyze, shall we?

Here’s a pic of my desk at The Mall (if you click on it, you can see a larger version with my notes on it). Keep in mind that I’m a contractor here so while I am not employed by the company inside the mall, I have been stationed here for several years, which accounts for why my desk looks so “lived in”. If I was consulting at a company for only a month or so, my desk wouldn’t look nearly this permanent.  

First, let’s dissect the items –

  1. Darth Vader poster: Yes, I secretly work on the Death Star and I  know you are all totally jealous. Bet you didn’t know the Death Star was located inside a mall did you? This whole “mall” thing is just a cover. In fact, Scooter is really R2D2 in disguise. Anyway, the big man himself thinks I’m doing great work and sent me a personalized, autographed picture that reads, “Sarah, Thank you for your hard work on the Death Star. Much love, Darth Vader.” Feel free to worship me now.
  2. Haphazard Christmas Decor: I included this in a post a few weeks ago. I’m pretty much the only one here with any holiday decor. Except for the girl one aisle over who has a dying poinsettia on  her desk. It literally  has one leaf left on it. It’s the Charlie Brown Poinsettia. As you can tell, I didn’t put much time into putting up my holly garland. But at least it’s more than The Strangler has.
  3. Christmas Card from The Strangler: Speaking of The Strangler…she was nice enough to give me a Christmas card. In it she wrote, “Have a great Xmas filled with Scooter fun and don’t eat anything from the candy machines, no matter how tempting it looks!” Words to live by, my friends.
  4. Sogeti mug: as previously mentioned, I am currently consulting at the company in the mall (which shall remain nameless). The company I actually work for is Sogeti. Because a big part of consulting is selling the company, I have my mug front and center! I also have a branded name plate on the top of my cube (which you can kind of see), wear branded apparel regularly, include Sogeti’s name subliminally in random documents and have a tattoo on my thumb so that it can be seen when I shake hands.
  5. Munchkin Desktop Background: Come on, how could anyone resist that adorable little face? It brightens my day every time I see her smile on my computer.
  6. Blog Notes: These are kept mostly for Annexed. There’s so much that goes on during the week that I want to include in each Friday’s edition that I have to keep notes or else I’ll forget. I should save those notes. Someday when I’m famous, those notes could be worth millions! [Sogeti]
  7. Token family pics: see #4. No matter what company I’m at, I like to have a couple of family pics on the wall. Keeps it all in perspective, ya know?
  8. Clorox Wipes: If you worked at The Mall you would understand the necessity for these. They are probably the single most important item in my cube…
  9. Box of cookies: Aforementioned Panera drops of heaven, er, cookies. The second most important item in my cube. [Sogeti]
  10. Random trinkets and junk: various tchotchkes collected over the years. These got reduced tremendously when I moved from the west office to The Mall. I only have a few now that include: a football rubber ducky, an affirmation paperweight, and a green smiley stressball.
  11. Couch coat: …or whatever coat I happen to be wearing that day. Today it was the couch coat, so named by a previous co-worker of mine who said that the pattern reminded him of his grandma’s couch. To which I promptly replied, “Well then your grandma has great taste!” I’ve had this coat for about 4 years and gotten numerous compliments on it. Every time I get a compliment on it, my inner child thinks back to that old co-worker (coincidently nicknamed Scooter) and say “Neener, neener, neener!” [Sogeti]

I know, I know. It’s not the tidiest desk in the world. But it’s not the messiest either. Believe you me, I’ve worked with some messy people…So what does this all mean? What kind of person does this stuff say that I am? Wait for something really deep and profound…

I dunno. 

You tell me – what do you think? What does all this stuff say about me?

[Sogeti]

$#*! my British Friend Says

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Alert! Alert! A new series is being kicked off today! This series won’t appear on any particular day like Annexed does. Instead, it’ll be more like the Samson Stories where I interject them randomly.

This series will focus on the funny stuff that my British co-worker (known at The Brit or The Strangler) says.  Every time you read posts in this series, read it with a British accent. It will be much funnier that way!

Here’s today’s random comment:

“It’s kind of worrying when someone in the loo is obviously havin’ a plopper and they’re gruntin’ really bad.”

Annexed: Odds and Ends

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First of all, I have to start by thanking everyone for all the kind words regarding not only the Annexed series, but the blog in general. I started this on a whim because I’ve always love to write and share funny stories about my life, so this seemed like the way to do it. The response has been amazing and I thank you all for the compliments and comments. Please forward on the links to any friends/family who might enjoy as well!

Now, on with the show!

So this week was kind of dull around The Mall. We were really busy at work so there wasn’t any time to walk around and search for stuff. But there are a few unrelated things that happened during the week which I will share.

First of all, the Brit has a new name. From  here on out she will be known as The Strangler. Don’t ask. If I divulge any more information I would be going against my lawyers advice. Let’s just say she’s a hard ass and leave it at that.

The Interview
This week I decided to do some hard-core journalism and I set out to get an interview with Scooter. It wasn’t hard to find him. All you have to do is step outside the office and listen for the whirring sound of his scooter.

[Side story – last week The Strangler and I were doing laps around the mall and happened upon Scooter. He came whizzing up and gave us his usual greeting, “Hiiiii ladies….” We said “hi” back and then continued on our way. He followed us. We walked faster. He sped up. Finally we made a quick U-turn, which was through some benches and stuff that he couldn’t get by on his scooter. He sped up and went down to a point where he could also turn around and then headed back. We were practically running to the office and kept hearing this increasingly loud and fast “whiiirrrrrr” behind us as he tried to catch up! It was scary!]

So on Monday of this week, I headed out to the cafeteria to get a soda and as I exited, there was Scooter. I usually try to avoid eye contact in the hopes that he’ll go away but this time I looked right at him. Here’s how the interview went:

  • Me: “Hello!”
  • Scooter, genuinely surprised: “Hiiiii”
  • Me: “How are you?” 
  • Scooter: “Good, how are you?”
  • Me: “Good. Did you have a nice weekend?”
  • Scooter: “Yes, didn’t do much but watch TV and play with my dog.”

By this point I was back to the office so I said good-bye and headed in.

Let’s see Katie Couric or Oprah get an interview like that! In your face Brian Williams!

The First Stall
So, the women’s bathroom in the Annex is not the nicest bathroom I’ve ever had the pleasure to use. The paper towel dispenser routinely breaks, the ceiling leaks and it smells like “wizzy hobos” (to quote The Strangler). The bathroom has 4 stalls: 3 regular ones and a giant handicapped one. We’ve determined that the first stall has some evil force over it that causes gross and bad things to happen. I’ll try not to get too detailed in case any of you are reading this while eating but here are some of the things that have occurred in the first stall:

  1. The fainting incident (now referred to around the office as “pulling a Sarah”)
  2. The discovery of a used piece of toilet paper left sitting on the seat.
  3. Someone having some major intestinal issues causing them to make all kinds of uh, “noises”
  4. A take-out box with someone’s lunch in it was found on the floor
  5. And there was some residue left on the seat after someone visited a man about a big dog, if you know what I mean

So, I now refuse to use the first stall. Call me superstitious but I’d rather not take that gamble. I fell victim to its evilness once already this  year. And that was enough, my friend, that was enough.

Holiday cheer
Remember how last week I talked about there being absolutely NO holiday decorations in the mall whatsoever? Well this week there was an inkling of Christmas that appeared. The company had their holiday luncheon on Wednesday so the decorations were dusted off. They consisted of red tablecloths, poinsettia plants, a big wreath and a holiday bough on the wall. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to lift our spirits just a bit. I just hope they don’t hang up mistletoe though. Don’t want to give Scooter any opportunities…

Well, that’s about all I have for this week. Today I worked from the West office because I needed a dose  of vitamin D. Here are some pics so that you can appreciate the difference.

The atrium

The entrance

See what I mean? Wouldn’t you rather work here ^ than at The Mall?

Upper level

Thanks you for tuning in and until next time, you’ve been Annexed!

On next week’s episode: I’m going to conduct an experiment. Now that I’ve done the journalism thing, it’s time to put on my science hat! Stay tuned – it’s bound to be dangerous and action packed. You won’t want to miss it!