Running and Remembering

I am tired. It’s been a long busy day. It started at 6 a.m. and it’ll end here in an hour or so.

I got up so early on a Sunday in order to head downtown to the Omaha Corporate Cup Run. The information sheet I had said to arrive no later than 7:30 a.m. so, being the good little girl that I am, I got there at 6:45. I think I was one of the first ones. The vendor booths weren’t even up yet! At least I got a good parking spot!

I spent the next 2 hours sitting around inside the Civic Auditorium Arena waiting for the race to begin. The vendors put up their booths and I watched them. People started meandering around and I watched them too. I went down at one point to get a goodie bag, then found another seat.

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I decided to load up on free stuff before the race since I had a backpack to put it in. So I went from booth to booth, collecting whatever they had to offer. Finally it was race time and I headed outside.

It was a cold and dreary rainy morning. The fog was heavy and I was greeted to a beautiful, albeit gloomy, site when I exited the auditorium.

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I headed over to stand with the other walkers and runners, and waited for the gun to go off.

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I didn’t have any goals with this race – other than to finish. I wasn’t out to break records or run the full 2 miles or beat anyone. I just wanted a good workout. The last race I did was in October 2010 for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. With that one, my goal was to run the full 5k  and do it in under 40 minutes. I finished in 39 minutes but I didn’t run the whole thing. I walked part way. In my perfectionist mind, that wasn’t good enough. I beat myself up for days because I didn’t push myself to run more. Consequently, I didn’t enjoy it.

This time was different. I just relaxed and started walking. I let my iPod drive my pace. I had it in shuffle mode and if a slow song came on, I walked. If it was a fast song, I ran. Simple as that. I didn’t pay attention to any one around me other than to respect them for being there. I didn’t try to beat anyone or compare myself. I just did my own thing. And I enjoyed it. I finished the 2 miles in 35 minutes and that was a-ok with me. I left right away and headed home. I was ready for a nap and a shower.

Later in the afternoon, we went to a Remembrance of Life Service being put on by the health system my OB-GYN belongs to. It was a memorial service to honor all those babies whose lives were lost too soon. At first I was all keyed up because it was raining and I was nervous about my family finding the park. Then I was worried about Isabella behaving. Finally I made myself stop and become fully present for the service. They read a poem, then sang a few songs. One of the songs was about how we were never meant to meet on Earth but will one day meet in heaven. The words moved me to tears. Isabella sat on my lap and I clung to her, letting myself cry quietly in her hair. Then they read aloud all the names of the babies that we being honored. When they said “Baby Trader 1” and “Baby Trader 2”, tears came again.

The final piece was to release balloons in to the air, one for each baby. We got to write a note and attach it to each balloon. Then we let them go.

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Those are our 2 balloons, rising up with the rest. I got choked up as they rose, up and up, onward to the heavens.

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There were a lot of babies being remembered and a lot of balloons rising up high. Soon they all disappeared.

It was a neat ceremony and I was grateful to Methodist Health Systems for putting it on. It was cathartic and healing for both of us.

Now, it’s time for bed. Time to relax with a book and then drift off to sleep, ready to take on a new week!

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D&C

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D & C

First of all, I have to thank everyone for all the warm wishes and condolences on our loss. I knew we had amazing friends and family was I was honestly surprised by the number of people who took the time to write either CJ or I a note. Many were from the usual close friends and family. Some were from acquaintances and there were even a few from old time schoolmates whom I haven’t talked to or heard from in over 10 years. It’s amazing how as a human race we come together in times of sorrow to care for one another. I am truly thankful for all of you and my heart is full.

Many have commented on how brave I am to share this experience with the world. I don’t really think it’s all that brave. To me it’s just being honest and open. Sadly, many women feel they can’t talk about having a miscarriage because they think it’s shameful or somehow their fault. It’s not. As women we want to blame someone and the natural inclination is to look inward at ourselves, the one carrying the baby. But unless you’re out smoking and drinking every night, it’s not your fault. It’s just natural selection. It’s nature recognizing a fetus that is somehow too malformed to survive and so it just stops forming. Believe me, it helps to talk about it. Though my original intention was admittedly more of a selfish one – therapy for me – if sharing my story can help someone else then I’m happy to be able to give back.


It’s nearly 4 am as I write this post, 3:52 to be exact. I can’t sleep. My mind is racing from all the things that have happened and those yet to be done. Since writing, and this blog, are a kind of therapy for me, I thought the best thing to do was just get it all out and hopefully I can sleep peacefully when that’s done.

I went in to work on Wednesday just trying to get through the day. Just after lunch, my Director Instant Messaged me to go home. I told her I didn’t have the extra PTO days. She said not to worry about it. To take the rest of the day, along with Thursday, Friday and Tuesday if I needed it (since Monday is Labor Day) and not to enter any PTO time. She would cover me. Another seemingly small gesture that really means a lot. It means I can spend the extra time with my family without having to worry about going in to the hole on hours at work. Another gift.

We spent Wednesday evening out to dinner as a family and then walked around the outdoor mall where we were at. Isabella loves the fountains they have so we strolled over to those and made some wishes. This was the first time she had actually thrown the pennies in herself. Before she made us do it. The first time we took her there was in the Spring. I wished for our dream home and a baby. The next time we took her there was a few weeks ago. That time I used my pennies as gratitude offerings for both my wishes having come true. This time, I didn’t make any wishes at all.

making a wish

Wednesday night I had to take a shower with a special antiseptic soap. Then I scarfed down some food because I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight.

Thursday was the big day. Surgery day. I was expecting it to be very emotional but surprisingly it was not. I only had a couple moments of heartache. The rest of the time was just getting through it. I had to take another shower with the special soap and wasn’t allowed to put on any lotion afterwards. All my jewelry was to be left at home as well. We packed up Isabella and dropped her off to spend the day with her boyfriend Owen. Many thanks to Heather and Jeremy for watching her so that my mom could be with me at the hospital. Another gift.

We got to the hospital and it is beautiful. It’s a new hospital just for women and you can tell they have thought through every little detail.

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I checked in with the gal at the front desk and verified all my information. Then she informed us of logistics like where the cafeteria is, which floor to go to, etc. She also mentioned that if we hear music played overhead, it means a baby was just born. I’m not sure if she knew why I was there but I imagine that’s part of her standard speech. Not 30 seconds later the music came on letting us know a new life had been brought in to the world. That was my first emotional moment as I realized I wouldn’t be hearing any music today. 

We headed upstairs and got checked in there. I was led back to my room and went through more paperwork. At one point we had to talk about the remains. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought much about this because the baby was so small, only 7 and a half weeks, that I assumed nothing could be done with it. But apparently you can have either the hospital cremate the baby, along with all the other hospital tissue needing to be disposed, or have your own cremation done. If the hospital does it, it’s free but you don’t get to keep anything. With a baby this small, the ashes only amount to about a teaspoon in size. Not really prepared to make a decision, we opted to have them hold the remains aside for us until we could figure it out. Today I have to call funeral homes and cemeteries to see what I can find out. At first it seemed silly to me to have a vault or plot for a teaspoon of ashes. But it’s not silly as it’s more than just ashes. It’s a life. It’s my baby. It deserves a proper place of rest.

Then it was time to change in to my lovely gown and get prepped. These gowns are actually very nice. They’re thicker, warm and even have a hole in them that can attach to a blower so that if you do get cold, they can pump warm air in. Nice! The nurse put my IV in, attached a heart rate monitor and checked my vitals.

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She was a very nice lady and I was glad to have her as my nurse.

The Anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself. He was very nice too. He hung out and chatted with us for a bit and then went off to get ready. After that the surgical nurse came in. The first thing she said to me after introducing herself was, “I’m sorry for your loss.” That was the first time of the day someone had said the words out loud to acknowledge it and why we were there. I got teary eyed. My second emotional moment of the day.

Now it was waiting time. We were waiting for the doctor to finish with another woman and come in to see me.

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Finally she arrived and we were ready to go. The surgical nurses came in, put a special thermal hat on me (sorry, no pics…there are some things you just don’t need to see) and off we went to the OR.

They had me move over to the operating table and put more monitors and wires on me. I heard the anesthesiologist say that he was going to start the medicine and to let him know when the room started to spin. A few seconds later I said, “There it goes!” and the next thing I remember I was in the recovery room.

I went in and out of sleep for about an hour and when I was fully awake, she brought me juice and toast. After 16 hours of no food or drink, that was the best juice and toast I’ve ever had!

We headed up to the room then and they told me I was pretty much free to go since I wasn’t nauseous or anything. I decided to wait for a bit, just to make sure I was steady on my feet.

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My mom laughed at me when I took this picture. I told her I had to document the journey. This was post-op. I wanted to smile to show that I wasn’t in any pain and overall feeling good but it came out looking a little crazy. I’ll blame it on the drugs.

Finally it was time to go and they wheeled me out to the car. We dropped my mom off at home, swung through the McDonald’s drive thru to get a shake and then the Taco Bell drive thru for food. On the way home I started to panic as I could feel my nether regions getting very warm and hot. I wondered if that was normal after this procedure until I realized it was because I had hot tacos on my lap. Again, I blame it on the drugs.

It was too late to nap by the time we got home and ate, as I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep later if I took one, so I watched some TV and read a magazine. Samson was my constant companion.

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CJ left to pick up Isabella. I called ahead to let Jeremy know he was coming and found out that when Jeremy got home from work Isabella asked him if he’d seen her mommy. That warmed my heart. She missed me as much as I missed her.

CJ picked up dinner on the way home and we all ate as a family. We got La Casa pizza because it’s my fav. I ate the whole small pizza by myself while CJ and Isabella split some spaghetti and bread. CJ carted Munchkin off to her bath while I rested, watching some pre-season football (hurray!). When she came back out we snuggled on the couch, watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and then read some stories.

After she went to bed I sat down and enjoyed a piece of Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake I had picked up from the Cheesecake Factory on Tuesday, after finding out the news. I needed the chocolate for comfort then but only ate half of it, knowing I’d want something yummy today. It was worth waiting for.

Now it’s 4:56 am and I’ve pretty much poured it all out. Today will be spent calling funeral homes and cemeteries, napping and just enjoying my family. I will want to pack and clean and do a million other things but must force myself to take it easy. There will be plenty of time for all that other stuff.

And now I’m off to bed where hopefully I will drift to sleep and dream of cheesecake, wet toddler kisses, and new life.

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Thrifty

I’ll admit it. I used to be a snob about thrift store shopping. The whole idea of wearing someone else’s clothes gave me the heebee jeebees. And I didn’t have the patience for combing through the racks or walking around looking at endless shelves of “junk”.

I’d much rather pay full retail price for something shiny and new, I’d say.

But then during a casual conversation with friends, we found out that upon losing a lot of weight, and needing to basically get a whole new wardrobe, they started hitting thrift stores. Virtually their whole closet is filled with items found at said stores (and they always look good). That gave me something to noodle over. Then, in reading more decorating blogs with stories of people finding something shabby for a dollar and turning it in to something amazing, I became convinced that this was worth trying.

So, 2 weeks ago I made my first Goodwill run. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Not sure why but I guess there’s a certain skill to thrifting and I felt like a total newbie with the spotlight shining on me. I walked among aisles, glancing at things but not really looking. I saw other people with shopping carts full of stuff and was in awe. I went to 2 stores and my total loot was one throw pillow.

I felt somewhat successful though I knew I could do better. I decided to make Friday evenings my Goodwill time so last Friday I carried out the same mission, only I went to two different stores. This time I loaded up.

At the first one I found 2 cardigan sweaters, a pair of slippers (we’re going to have a “no shoes” rule at the new house and want to provide slippers for guests to wear), a blue vase and 4 colorful plates (for the new kitchen). Grand total: $20.

At the next one I got a cool lamp that will be perfect for the family room and 3 pairs of child sized slippers. Grand total: $15.

Then on Saturday, I took Isabella with me and we hit one store. Didn’t find as much there. We got a throw pillow, Clifford book for her, and a water bottle. Grand total: $6.

I’m still new at this and trying to figure it all out. But I’m learning. Here are a few tips I’ve picked up so far:

  1. Go often: this is probably the biggest rule of thumb. You can’t go once every 6 months and expect to find what you want. You have to be a regular as the product moves fast.
  2. Don’t have expectations: unlike regular shopping, you can’t go in with a list of items you want, because they may not have them. You need to have a general idea of what you’re looking for but yet have an open mind.
  3. Isolate: No, not yourself. Isolate the various items. It’s hard to see an item on the shelf, amongst hundreds of other items, and picture it in your house. You have to pick it up, look it over and try to envision it on your mantle or countertop or in your kids’ room. And again – have an open  mind!
  4. Carve out some time: you can’t race through the store in 5 min. If you want to find stuff, you have to walk up and down every aisle. That was my rookie mistake the first time around. I was too impatient.
  5. Go to different stores: there are like 20 different Goodwill’s in Omaha, plus all kinds of other thrift stores. Rotate locations. They all have different inventory and depending on the neighborhood, will have varying qualities. It goes to show that a store in a more wealthy part of town will probably have nicer stuff. But not necessarily. Visit them all and find your favorites, then get in a rotation to visit your favs on a regular basis.

My hope is to build my wardrobe and decorate my new house with thrift store items. Not only will it be cheaper but I’m also more likely to find unique and fun pieces that I couldn’t find at Target, Wal-Mart or other retail chain stores.

Thrift on!

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A Blank Canvas

So the inspection on our new house took place on Thursday. We were pleasantly surprised to discover that the previous residents had moved out already and the place was totally empty.

Yippee!! Funny how a small thing like that can be such a big deal. At first it wouldn’t see so momentous but it is. First of all, we no longer have to worry about inconveniencing them when we want to drop by or need to take measurements or whatever. AND most importantly, it now feels more like ours. With all the rooms empty, we can visualize what we will do with them and the possibilities are endless.

I took some pics of the house while we were there so you can see what we have to work with. Part of me was scared that it wouldn’t be as nice as I remembered or that we’d find something awful. But no such thing happened. In fact, it was even better than we had remembered!

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I was trying to get a pic of the house with the SOLD sign but was parked in the middle of the street and had to hurry. You can kind of sort of see it there, front and center, from the side. Still pretty as a picture though!

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Here’s what you see when you first walk in (well try to picture it without the step ladder…). Stairs on your left (along with a coat closet), kitchen straight ahead, living room and dining room to the right.

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OK so it just looks like a big empty room. But the back part is the dining room (under the light) and the front part is the living room (which really starts on the far right of this picture, where the baseboards run out of the frame).

If you walk straight in from the front door, and keep going, you’ll walk right in to the kitchen. Unfortunately I didn’t get a pic because the inspector had his stuff all over it and I forgot to take one when we left. But it still looks a lot like this, only without the table.

kitchen

I had forgotten how many cabinets there are. Easily double what we have now. I don’t know where to begin to put all my stuff away. And the counter space! Mama mia! New details I noticed: there is a Lazy Susan cabinet in the corner (love!), the sink is deeper than average and NOT stainless steel (which is what we have now – they look pretty but are sure hard to keep clean), the countertops are a solid surface Corian, (which meant nothing to me. Apparently it’s meant to mimic the look of granite but is better because granite and some of the others stain really easily), and they left us a cutting board that matches the counter tops. Win!

That white door on the left goes to the basement. More to come on that later.

Just off the kitchen (to the left of where that photo ends) is the family room.

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The fireplace is gas and that little white/black thing you sitting on the mantle is a remote control for it (the white part is a note they left themselves saying DO NOT PACK)! Who knew! I guess we can be sitting on the couch and just push a button to have a fire. Hells yeah! The ceiling fan is also remote controlled which is so nice. I HATE having to reach up on my tip toes to pull the stupid chains in our house now (and I always pull the wrong one and end up putting the fan speed on turbo when I really meant to turn on the light!).

By the way, the wall colors and trim are what I always wanted in our house but we never got around to doing. In fact, we (er, CJ) were going to paint it like that the week before it sold and ended up not having to! Another sign that it was meant to be!

On the other side of the kitchen is the door to the garage, a half bath and the laundry room.

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Then we venture upstairs. Isabella had fun playing on the stairs, though she’s starting to learn that she can fall down them (since she’s done it 3 times).

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No, she’s not in the process of rolling down. She was pretending to nap and asking me for a blanket. I didn’t have one so I laid on top of her and said I’d be her blanket. I was told that was wrong.

This is what you see when you get to the top of the stairs:

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The master bedroom is on the left (double doors), another bedroom straight ahead (though that will probably be our guest room/office), and the kids’ bathroom to the right.

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Looking down the hall to the right are the other 2 bedrooms and the “loft” at the end. I discovered all the rooms have cable outlets in them, even the loft  – sweet!

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Isabella has claimed this room. I think she likes it because of the pink/purple dots on the wall and the flower. I tried to peel one off and some paint started to come with it. Not sure if we’ll leave them or what but she seems to like it!

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She had fun hiding in the closet too. Peek-a-boo!

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The main bath has double sinks which will be great for when we have more than one kid. They won’t have to fight over sink/counter space. Yes I know she is touching the toilet seat. Don’t worry – I hosed her down with lye soap when we left.

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Here’s the panorama of the master bathroom – double sinks and whirlpool tub on the left (Mickey is about to take a bath himself)…

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then the shower and then the toilet, which I didn’t take a pic of. I think you all know what those look like. It’s not like this one is gold plated or anything.

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And our walk in closet. It’s bigger than it looks in the pic, though not as big as one that we saw in another house. That one was literally as big as Isabella’s room. I die. But, that house didn’t have the other features we wanted so I gave up that closet for a house that has everything else.

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View of the backyard from the upstairs rooms.

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I like that the patio is curvy like that. Gives it some added interest.

Here’s the view from the top of the stairs, looking down to the front door.

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I like the the steps have that one at the bottom that curves a bit. Gives it a spiral staircase feel and adds just that much interest to it.

Now we shall head to the basement.

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Oooh…..aaaahh…Yeah ok so it’s not that exciting. But it is big  and full of potential! Plus Isabella loved running around in it!

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The back of the house and North side of our backyard.

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And the southwest side.

There you have it! Our new house, ripe and ready for us to move in! Oh, by the way, the inspector only found one thing that needs to be fixed so we’re good to go after that! Everything seems to be falling in to place. We are scared that the other shoe is going to drop one of these days – can it really be this easy? But then we remind ourselves it wasn’t easy. We had to search and search for this house.

As we were leaving (on our way to dinner for spaghetti) Isabella looked up at me and said, “I like this place mommy.”

That’s all I need to know.

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Operation Dream Home: Almost There

The other day I posted what our criteria were in a house and how we’d probably never find one house that had everything so we should just settle for something close enough.

Well I was wrong. We could in fact find 1 house that had everything. And we found that house on Friday.

We had literally almost given up the search and put in a bid on our “85% house”. This was a house that had nearly everything we wanted, but not quite. It was missing about 15%. But I have kept a close eye on the listings for months now and know every house out there in our price range and this seemed to be all there was. We talked it over and something was telling us to wait. Even though we were under some deadlines, because our current house was closing in 6 weeks, it just didn’t feel right. So I said I would do another search, looking only for new listings and see if anything came up. This was our last ditch effort.

Well 2 houses did come up that fit our criteria and price range. So we had our realtor set up the showings for Friday over lunch. When I saw the listings online, something told me one of them would be “the one.” Thursday night before drifting off to sleep I prayed that God would lead us to the right house. The one that had everything we wanted and would be our dream home.

He did.

The first house we saw on Friday wasn’t it. It was a nice house but smaller than we had hoped for and only 3 bedrooms upstairs. The basement was also pretty tiny. CJ liked it a lot but I wanted to wait and see the next one. When we pulled in to the driveway, I knew.

This is what we saw*:

front

It was elegant and traditional, while also having a modern flair. I love the colors. It also seemed very homey. I can totally picture it with a big wreath on the front door and Christmas candles in the windows. And, it had a huge yard on a corner lot.

corner lot

With a fence! It seemed pretty perfect just from the outside but I reserved excitement. I didn’t want to jump the gun. For all I knew, we could walk inside and hate it. But we didn’t.

It had everything on our list. It was the first house that we didn’t have to give up one thing in order to get something else.

Here’s our list of must haves:

  1. Large, open kitchen
  2. Eat-in kitchen and formal dining room
  3. Main floor or 2nd floor laundry
  4. Storage space
  5. Large master bedroom, bathroom
  6. Big closets
  7. Decent sized basement
  8. Fenced yard
  9. 4 bedrooms 
  10. Convenient location

Here’s the list of nice to haves:

  1. 3-car garage
  2. Nice landscaping 
  3. Modern, neutral colors 
  4. Attractive exterior color
  5. Whirlpool tub or hot tub 
  6. Corner lot 
  7. Newer HVAC

Check, check and check! The only item in the list of 17 things above that it doesn’t have is a 3-car garage. BUT it does have a pretty roomy 2-car garage with shelving and storage built in so we’re set there.

Let’s walk through some of the highlights and features that we fell in love with.

Here is the kitchen:

kitchen

I love the cherry cabinets and solid surface “stone” countertops. There are a ton of cabinets and counter space too. All new stainless steel appliances (which, yes, I know will show fingerprints but gees, they’re just so pretty), tile flooring, large pantry and space for a table. LOVE! The laundry room and main floor bathroom are just behind the kitchen in the little hallway you see in the back corner. That’s also where you come in from the garage.

The rest of the main floor is the dining room, living room (or is it family room? I can never remember which is the more formal one and which is the one you use) and family room.

family room

I love that the fireplace has a unique carving around it and that there is plenty of room for lots of seating. Another bonus: it’s NOT a sunken family room (or is it living room?). I know that sounds odd but we looked at several houses with sunken family rooms and that one little step going down seemed to trip up Isabella and me. Literally. She fell down it in one house and I fell down the step in another. It was really quite embarrassing. I  was talking away to the agent and the next thing I know I’m falling forward. Ha Ha, oops. So anyway, a house without that means less risk of injury for us clumsy Traders.

Heading upstairs, the first room you come to is the master bedroom. It has a double door entrance which feels so Gone with the Wind to me. Fancy! Here it is:

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There is enough space in this room for our bed, dressers, etc. AND a cozy chair and lamp in the corner for a little reading nook! The first door on the far left of the pic is the walk-in closet. The open door toward the center is the bathroom.

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No, the walls aren’t really curved. The listing agent shot these pics with a fish-eye lens to make the rooms look bigger but he didn’t need to because they are pretty big as they are. Anyway, double sinks, whirlpool tub and shower. CJ and I can actually share a bathroom now! That will be really weird at first…but I think I’ll love it.

There are 3 other bedrooms up there, which are all HUGE! The other cool thing is that this house has a little loft at the end of the hall.

loft

It’s really just some extra space after the stairway but they call it a loft so I will too. We thought this might be a good spot for Samson’s bed kennel. Or maybe a reading nook, like they have it. We’ll see.

It also has a HUGE basement.

basement

This picture just shows one side of it. The other side has a bunch of shelves for storage. Obviously it’s unfinished but the drywall is done which is huge. As you can see, it’s usable right now and could serve its purpose as my workout room quite nicely. We will probably finish it off at some point in the future but there’s no rush.

We only needed the one showing to know this was “the house”. So we talked with our agent about the best offer to make and he set out putting the papers together. We got it all wrapped up and signed by 5:30 that night and the offer was submitted. Now it was just waiting.

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Around 10:30 pm that night we got a call from our agent that they had come back with a counter offer. They hadn’t budged much from their asking price and we wanted a better deal. So we thought about it and then offered up our own counter the next morning. They came back 2 hours later with another counter that was only $1000 above our previous offer so we took it. Done and done!

Of course we still have to get through the inspections and other stuff but for all intents and purposes, we are sailing toward home (pun intended). And the best part of the deal – they can be out on the date we need them to be so that we don’t have to find temporary housing in between. Phew!!

We are so excited! This is truly our dream house and something we NEVER thought we’d find. I guess it goes to show you should never give up or lose hope. There’s just might be something waiting for you around the corner!

*Note: all photos were taken from the online listing of the house, courtesy of CBS Home real estate. Obviously none of the furniture or décor is ours.

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Master Bedroom

 

*Note: all photos were taken from the online listing of the house, courtesy of NP Dodge. Obviously none of the furniture is ours.