Last night was a humdinger. I’ll preface this post by saying it involves the bathroom so if you’re grossed out by such conversation, leave now. Don’t worry, I won’t get too graphic. I know it’s kind of personal and not something people talk about, but hey, it happens to everyone so here goes.

The day started out with Samson puking. I was eating my breakfast and watching the TODAY show, not really paying attention to the world around me when I hear, “Oh Samson, really?” I turn around to see that Samson has proceeded to upchuck the entire contents of his stomach on the carpet which included all his breakfast plus the 2 treats I had given him. It was all undigested so I could easily make out each piece. We stopped him before he could eat it back up and got him outside. CJ gets squeamish around bodily fluids so I cleaned it up (though he did help me scoop it onto the dustpan and in to the garbage – yes I said scoop).

The rest of the day was fine. I worked from home because it was a holiday for my client but not for my company so it was either take PTO or work. I chose to work, but thankfully could do it from home. Anyway, I had a perfectly lovely day for the most part and was logged off by 4:00.

I was in the mood to bake so I got busy on some chocolate chip cookies, sampling the dough as I went. I mean, you can’t NOT do that. Heck, if it were up to me, I’d make a batch of cookie dough just to eat and never bake! But, I don’t do that (much). I finished up with my preparations and put the dough in the ‘fridge (baking tip: cookies have better form if you chill the dough before baking it. My dear friend Katie told me that trick and it works!). Then I set to work on dinner. We were going to have chicken parmesan. I made the breading, cut up the chicken, coated it and put it in the oven. As I was doing dishes I got a wave of cramps but it passed quickly so I didn’t think much of it. Just then Munchkin awoke from her nap so I went in to get her. As I was changing her diaper, I got another wave of cramps, a little more intense this time.

Uh oh. I know the drill. It’s just like contractions. The closer together and more intense they are, the sooner the “package” will arrive.

I finished up with Munchkin and took her in to the bedroom where CJ was folding laundry. I told him, she’s all yours man, I got a date with the bathroom. She cried when I went in the master bath and closed the door. I was all, “Honey, trust me, you do not want to be in here with what I think is coming.”

The cramps came and went. They got worse and worse. I started getting feverish. I started getting nauseous. I didn’t know which end things were going to come out of! I was having visions of fainting again and really did not want that to happen. This went on for 15 minutes! I seriously felt like I was in labor again. I tried doing La Maze breathing and it worked just as well as it did during actual labor (translation: not at all). I called out for an epidural but no one would bring it to me. So instead I squeezed the holy living bejeezus out of my hand. Maybe that’s why I was feeling light-headed…finally, the packaged deployed and things subsided.

Phew. It was over. I breathed a sign of relief and went back out to join my family.

Then the universe pointed a finger at me and laughed.

5 minutes later I was back in the bathroom. This time I brought the garbage can in with me in case I had to hurl. I was in there for another 20 minutes going through the same ordeal as before. I was calling out to Jesus, Buddha, Zeus, Thor and anyone else who could possibly help me. By the beard of Oden make this stop!!  This time, there were multiple packages being deployed and they kept coming. I didn’t think a person of my size could have so much in her!

By the time it ended I was spent. I curled up on the bed in the fetal position and waited to die. Surely I was on my death-bed after experiencing something so awful. I closed my eyes, thanked God for a good life and eeked out a whispered “I love you” to my family.

Then the world went black.

I woke up 5 minutes later and realized I hadn’t died but instead took a cat nap. I crawled out of bed and went to join my family, eating toast and drinking tea while they had chicken parmesan. But I didn’t care, so long as the ordeal was over. And this time it really was.

When I got up today I weighed myself out of curiosity and am down 3 pounds. Yep, that’s right, I “delivered” 3 pounds worth of, uh, “stuff” last night. Oi vey. When I told CJ that he said, “Guess it was time for some good poopin’.” Gee, thanks honey.

On the up side, one of my New Year’s resolutions is now met! Though, I wouldn’t recommend anyone to do it this way. I would much rather exercise for 24 hours straight than go through that again.

I’m better today for the most part. Still watching what I eat but things seem to be operating normally. Not sure if I got a little stomach bug or if it was something I ate (raw cookie dough anyone?) but whatever it was, I hope it never happens again!

P.S. Samson is fine too. I think he just likes to puke sometimes – it’s a nice morning snack.